Something's Got a Hold on You.: April 2010

Allaholic?

We're all ___aholics.

Addiction has been defined as “a state of being dependent on a certain substance, which is harmful or dangerous for the physical or mental health of the person, for his social well-being and economical functioning of the subject”. When you type the word ‘addiction’ into popular search engines, you find links for various substance dependence sites. When I sift through these sites, I find little information that is helpful to me; yet, almost daily I find myself making decisions that are bad for me- decisions that are harmful for my physical or mental health for my social well-being and economical functioning. I am not taking hits of crack or lighting any pipes. My drugs are not nearly so obvious to pinpoint. They do not come in powder nor plant form. My drugs are daily decisions that I make. Decisions to which I keep running back. I know they are bad for me, but they are so beautiful in the moment, and I am irresistibly compelled toward these decisions. Since no one is over my shoulder telling me that what I have is an addiction that is may be akin to a drug addiction, and that the cycles in which I find myself are not much different than the cycles of many other addicts, I find myself going around the same mountain over and over again.

Let me give you an example. When I was 21, I was dating this guy named Alan. When Alan introduced himself, he said, “I work with computers”. I think, “Oh, a computer programmer! That’s a good job!” Turns out, Alan was a receptionist who happened to work in front of a computer. I should have gone running in the other direction from this obvious lying loser, but, unfortunately I did not. The first night we hung out was a blast. He was buying my friends and I rounds of drinks, we were hitting the dance floor hard, and he was telling me how excited he was to meet such an obviously smart and beautiful girl. He got my digits. “I’ll call you tomorrow” he promised at the end of the night. I did not hear from him the next day. I felt a little sad, but I accepted the rejection with dignity. This time. You see, I was not yet hooked. Alan eventually called with some excuse about how his dad had stopped by, and he had gotten in a fight with him and just could not talk afterward, but he added that he hoped I would please give him another chance. I did. This interchange pretty much made up our whole relationship. Sometimes the excuses were better than others. One time he actually told me he could not hang out with me because he had to help his friend clean a deer. But we went round and round this cycle for over a year. When we had a good time, it was so good. So fun. He was so attentive to me, so nice to my friends, so good at conversation and affection. But I could not have him. It would not last. And he kept me coming back and back for more. Each time I came back I had less dignity. I sacrificed more of myself. I planned my life around trying to “run” into him. I thought about him all the time. Drama from the relationship made my work suffer. Looking back there was so little real substance to our “relationship”. I was an addict seeking the next high. The next escape from my life. My reality. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I need to make sure you understand something right away. I am not an expert on addiction, and this blog is not intended to cover addiction research or literature. It will be a personal exploration of my addicitions which is intended to make you smile at points, to make you think at points, and to propose a view on life decisions that may help shape yours. As a natural observer and introspector, I have observed my repeated bad decisions (and those of my friends) and wondered why we continue to make the decisions that we do. I hope that you benefit from this blog as I know that these thoughts have greatly improved my decision making, and allowed me to be a good friend to others to help them make better decisions. I hope to be a friend to you as well. Because everyone needs a friend sometime to smack some sense in to them about their addictive habits.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Help, I'm stuck!

So, in my addiction recovery.... I'm stuck on Step 1. Step 2 involves a higher power, and I'm not so sure I need one. I mean I believe I need one, but I guess I'm not sure if there is one there. Oh, I know what I want. Just have no clue how to get there.

I want to live. I want SO BADLY to be able to enjoy a meal without compulsively eating it (mindlessly consuming) or feeling guilty the minute the food enters the room. I want to enjoy a big, delicious, quality meal without feeling heavy afterward. I want to take guilt free bites and quit when I am full. These are my goals related to food.

I want to live my life. I don't want to depend on men to feel worthwhile or to feel pretty or to feel smart. When I am honest with myself, I have depended on men much more than is palatable. Even though I have been "strong" and single for most of my life, I have always had a man of some sorts affirming me. Some pseudo-boyfriend, relationship type thing going on.

And then it hits me. What the (bleep) would I do with all my exhausting mental energy if I did not spend it obsessing over these things? What would my day look like if I was really engaged in life for a change? I want to find out, but how do I find this freedom?

According to AA/OA, I need a higher power, but I guess I'm just not ready for that yet. And I guess I don't think I ever will be. Not that I'm not open to it. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Step 1. Check. For Now.

I've been reading the book the "Compulsive Overeater". This book is designed similarly to the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, but discussing the application of the twelve steps for AA to food addiction instead of alcohol. I have mixed feelings (of course) as I am reading the book.

I have no problem with Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over our food compulsion- that our lives had become unmanageable." This admission is what has driven me to begin my self-journey. At some point, I felt miserable enough that I felt like I had to take some drastic action in order to change the momentum of my life. I may not be overweight, but my early eating disorder has messed up my relationship with food beyond any point that I have been able to repair thus far. I can't really figure out why or how. Perhaps food was so forbidden to me when I quit eating (because of my own internalized views about a desirable body) that I have been obsessed with it ever since. I want to eat, but I don't want to get fat, so I food has become this sort of forbidden fruit that I must face multiple times per day. And so I think about this all the time. And then guilt becomes involved. And so I start to feel guilty and anxious whenever food is around. I am obsessed. It's hard to admit because it's so humbling, and it's so easy to pretend like I have everything under control to the outsider. BUT I am a mess inside, and I'm sick of wasting my life on this. As I look toward the journey on which the 12 steps would take me, I wonder if I have THAT much courage.. if I am sick enough of my past...

Step 2. "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
See. It's already getting tricky. Who is this power greater than me? I have an extensive past with some version of the Christian Faith and some strong feelings about the God that I thought was behind it... so already I feel the resistance welling up inside of me. Can I accept this step? Can I believe that a power greater than myself will do anything for me at all? Should I believe this? This is tricky. I guess that AA has worked for many many many people who's lives were a total mess and who had pretty much nothing going for them. It is very hard to argue with evidence like that. I've seen that powerful program in action with more than one person who seemed totally lost. So, I really can't write off the program or this step. Gotta come up with a lil' faith in the "Program" as they are always saying in AA, and maybe through that I can get faith in God. Wait, do I have that backward?

Step 3. "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him."
OK. So, the only reason I could even produce a little bit of faith in God is because I've seen some alcoholics turn their lives around. Well, I have a little more evidence too, but it's going to take a lot of evidence to counter all of my negative experiences with certain perceptions of God enough to want to turn my life and will over to him/her/it/them. But I'm not going to give up yet. I'm miserable enough to give this more time and thought. So, in the next few weeks, I'm going to continue to talk about my impressions of this book, and of my process to recover from some of my own addictions. As I look forward,though, I feel overwhelmed. Do I have to believe in a higher power? Do I really have to ask everyone's forgiveness?... I can already think of a lot of people I don't really want to approach. But are those hesitations a sign of bitterness and a lack of humility that I really need to face to find freedom? I'm afraid, but I am going to take one step at a time. That is why there are 12, right? Right now, I got Step 1.