Help, I'm stuck!

So, in my addiction recovery.... I'm stuck on Step 1. Step 2 involves a higher power, and I'm not so sure I need one. I mean I believe I need one, but I guess I'm not sure if there is one there. Oh, I know what I want. Just have no clue how to get there.

I want to live. I want SO BADLY to be able to enjoy a meal without compulsively eating it (mindlessly consuming) or feeling guilty the minute the food enters the room. I want to enjoy a big, delicious, quality meal without feeling heavy afterward. I want to take guilt free bites and quit when I am full. These are my goals related to food.

I want to live my life. I don't want to depend on men to feel worthwhile or to feel pretty or to feel smart. When I am honest with myself, I have depended on men much more than is palatable. Even though I have been "strong" and single for most of my life, I have always had a man of some sorts affirming me. Some pseudo-boyfriend, relationship type thing going on.

And then it hits me. What the (bleep) would I do with all my exhausting mental energy if I did not spend it obsessing over these things? What would my day look like if I was really engaged in life for a change? I want to find out, but how do I find this freedom?

According to AA/OA, I need a higher power, but I guess I'm just not ready for that yet. And I guess I don't think I ever will be. Not that I'm not open to it. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Step 1. Check. For Now.

I've been reading the book the "Compulsive Overeater". This book is designed similarly to the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, but discussing the application of the twelve steps for AA to food addiction instead of alcohol. I have mixed feelings (of course) as I am reading the book.

I have no problem with Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over our food compulsion- that our lives had become unmanageable." This admission is what has driven me to begin my self-journey. At some point, I felt miserable enough that I felt like I had to take some drastic action in order to change the momentum of my life. I may not be overweight, but my early eating disorder has messed up my relationship with food beyond any point that I have been able to repair thus far. I can't really figure out why or how. Perhaps food was so forbidden to me when I quit eating (because of my own internalized views about a desirable body) that I have been obsessed with it ever since. I want to eat, but I don't want to get fat, so I food has become this sort of forbidden fruit that I must face multiple times per day. And so I think about this all the time. And then guilt becomes involved. And so I start to feel guilty and anxious whenever food is around. I am obsessed. It's hard to admit because it's so humbling, and it's so easy to pretend like I have everything under control to the outsider. BUT I am a mess inside, and I'm sick of wasting my life on this. As I look toward the journey on which the 12 steps would take me, I wonder if I have THAT much courage.. if I am sick enough of my past...

Step 2. "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
See. It's already getting tricky. Who is this power greater than me? I have an extensive past with some version of the Christian Faith and some strong feelings about the God that I thought was behind it... so already I feel the resistance welling up inside of me. Can I accept this step? Can I believe that a power greater than myself will do anything for me at all? Should I believe this? This is tricky. I guess that AA has worked for many many many people who's lives were a total mess and who had pretty much nothing going for them. It is very hard to argue with evidence like that. I've seen that powerful program in action with more than one person who seemed totally lost. So, I really can't write off the program or this step. Gotta come up with a lil' faith in the "Program" as they are always saying in AA, and maybe through that I can get faith in God. Wait, do I have that backward?

Step 3. "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him."
OK. So, the only reason I could even produce a little bit of faith in God is because I've seen some alcoholics turn their lives around. Well, I have a little more evidence too, but it's going to take a lot of evidence to counter all of my negative experiences with certain perceptions of God enough to want to turn my life and will over to him/her/it/them. But I'm not going to give up yet. I'm miserable enough to give this more time and thought. So, in the next few weeks, I'm going to continue to talk about my impressions of this book, and of my process to recover from some of my own addictions. As I look forward,though, I feel overwhelmed. Do I have to believe in a higher power? Do I really have to ask everyone's forgiveness?... I can already think of a lot of people I don't really want to approach. But are those hesitations a sign of bitterness and a lack of humility that I really need to face to find freedom? I'm afraid, but I am going to take one step at a time. That is why there are 12, right? Right now, I got Step 1.

Relapse Reflections

So, tonight's one of those nights where I had the opportunity to see my addiction in its truest umimpressive form. It's like I got to see Bud Light from the point of view of someone who has never really tasted or enjoyed it before - tasteless (ok a slight watery hopiness), ugly (a piss like hue), and cheap.

I accepted an invitation out to dinner with my most recent toxic ex-? ( I will leave the question mark here to honor the fact that most toxic men like to leave the relationship undefined. This makes them much like a virus..able to infect anything that comes in their path- no sexual pun intended but feel free too insert one {that's what she said}).

The night started out innocently enough. "Would you like to have dinner?", he texts.

No response for a few minutes.

"It's just that it's been a hard week and my aunt is very sick. I'd just like someone to talk to" he adds (via text)

OK. I know what I should have done here. I can't carry these burdens for him. I can't help him. This is what his friends are for. But let's face it. I am an addict and my drug has been offered. I fold. "Ok"

He asks "Can you pick me up at the tower (willis/sears) at 8:30 pm."

This is classy. I know.

"Sure", I say.

I show up punctually because that is what I do. We head to the restaurant. We make casual conversation... What are you doing, how is it going, bla bla bla. It is all fine and dandy. I'm looking across the table at ex-? with a strange mixture of emotions.

Emotion #1 Please like me. Please affirm me. Please tell me that I'm beautiful and that you have realized how stupid you were. Put all my insecurities to rest.

Emotion #2 I don't really like you. You are rambling on about some topic involving conspiracy that is relatively uninteresting to me, and you are plunging forth with relatively little input from me. Ugh.

Hmm... what is missing? Looks like the, "I really like you" feeling somehow got left out of the mix. That's concerning... I need you to affirm me, but when I step back and look at the situation, I don't actually like you. This is what makes me think that this is an addiction. Somehow there is no substance to this relationship, but I am just chasing the next high. And I know it. I am not in control of it, and I keep hurting myself to get it. It's amazing how long I can carry on these pseudo-relationships with relatively little effort from the guy. But.. on with my story.

"Why did you need a ride?", I ask curiously.

"Oh, my license is suspended"

"How did that happen?"

"Well, I got my third ticket for not having car insurance"

"Oh."

Later in the evening... as we are splitting the bill...

"Why are there so many copies of my receipt?", he asks. "Wait, do I leave the merchant copy here?
What is the merchant copy?"

Now, WHY, I have to ask myself would I just spend my precious evening hanging out with a 36 year old man who doesn't know the proper place for a merchant copy and who knows even less about paying critical bills on time? Why would I, who has worked SO HARD, to have my shit together all this time even be interested in something like that? Even much more, why would I, a brilliant and beautiful girl with so much to offer remain available for a guy who has barely asked me on a date in 12 months and been even less hesitant to call me anything other than his "friend"?

I guess I humbly submit a potential parallel, "Why is an alcoholic interested in piss colored, piss tasting, cheap beer?"

Shitty Food = Binge?

I often wonder if our weight problems as a society have a lot to do with the food we eat (I know this seems obvious, but please don't stop reading yet). We eat food that is barely food. It has been processed once, processed twice, had chemicals added to it, and then put in a package and shipped all the way around the world (probably not all the way, probably no more than half way... or else they would have sent it the other way.. but I digress). At this point, does our body even know it is receiving food? Is there much more left to it than sugar, chemicals, salt, and maybe some weakened flour?

Maybe if we ate better foods, THEY would help us with our problems with consumption (and weight). I was just eating this pasta sauce that was made at a shop around the corner from my apartment. The pasta sauce exerted itself against my taste buds. The complexity of every bite made me taste and enjoy it. It had texture, it had color, and it had a diverse array of tastes. Plus I talked to the guy that made it. I felt good about eating it because I was supporting another person with whom I had seen and interacted. It was HIS sauce. If I was eating some pureed sauce from Jewel, it probably would not have caused the same sensory upheaval (OK, dramatic word choice, but you know what I mean) or the same reflections. It would not have exerted itself in the same way. My local pasta sauce resisted consumption with all its flavor and life in a way that textureless salty sauce probably would not have. I almost HAD to notice and appreciate it.

Just saying... maybe there really is something to buying fresh, buying local, and buying high quality foods.

Daily Prayer

So, as I'm reading through addiction literature it seems like many sources seems to recommend acknowledging some sort of higher power. My past relations with and belief in a higher power are complicated to say the least (which will be the subject of future blogs) but I am taking a leap of faith and developed this prayer to say to myself each morning...

I will not start this prayer addressed to anyone/thing. I will use my words as best as I can acknowledge that I do not know who you are. I will not try to name or describe you. But I want to know you.

Today, please help me to believe that you are there and that you will find me and/or that I will find you. Please do not let doubt, fear, anxiety, or any other force remove my faith that there is truth to be found.

Today, please help me to look for you in the world and to look for you in myself. Please remove anything that will blind me to knowing more of your character and growing closer to you.

Today, please help me to give love and grace to myself and to those in the world around me. Please fill me with your life and love and help me spill onto those around me, so that I can bring peace and redemption to the world.

Today, please help me to live in love and peace. Help me to avoid using men, food, alcohol, people, or any other addiction to escape the realities of the world. Please help me find the wisdom which will help me bear each day with grace believing that I becoming wiser. Help me to bear the hard times realizing, “This too shall pass”. Help me not to cling to the good times realizing, “This too shall pass”.

Thank you for giving me the faith to write this prayer. Thank you for meeting me and moving me and giving me peace in this moment. As I depart for my day, come with me please.

Woke up today and started a blog.

Well first I actually had a bit of a break down. But then I started a blog.

As with all good crying fits, life had definitely led up to this one. My 27th birthday recently passed, and, like most people when forced to acknowledge life passing, I have been even more painfully reflective than my usual. And I have begrudgingly had to admit to myself that, though I have been trying to believe otherwise all these years, I'm not really going to "grow out of" any of my issues. In fact, believing that (whether actively believing or sort of passively hoping) has probably made them worse.

For a very long time, I have struggled with a poor relationship with food. I started thinking I was fat in about 5th grade after some brutal teasing from classmates and boys I liked which led to an early and brief bout with Anorexia which led to a lifetime of issues with food. I keep trying to convince myself that it is normal and that everyone struggles with eating in some way (which is probably true), but I woke up today miserable enough to acknowledge how severe my issues have been. I am a food addict. I have disordered eating patterns (and related disordered thought patterns). Wanna know how I know? I'll give you just a very few examples of a very many realities. I lived in England for about 2 months when I was a sophomore in College. I really started to recognize I had a big problem with food during this time. After my host parents would go to bed (subsequent to a full day of eating appropriate amounts of food), I would sneak down in their kitchen and eat cookies, cheese, cake- whatever I could find- almost nightly. One time, I left one of their parties and snuck into the garage where the cakes that had just been served were stored and traveled in circles around to the different cakes eating small slices a quickly as possible because I wanted to get as much food in as I could before I got "caught". Sometimes I'll get home from work and just stand my kitchen tearing off pieces of cheese, pouring and repouring bowls of cereal, and eating spoonfuls of peanut butter. These eating episodes (binges) are always followed by immense guilt and some sort of plan to avoid this in the future. I've tried changing the way I store food, counting calories, eating more regularly, fasting, writing down everything I eat, reviewing notecards about eating, you name it....And did these work? Well, here I am at 27, the morning after a horrible binge full of cupcakes, bruschetta, pasta, etc. feeling guilty and having to be honest with myself. My relationship with food has become so distorted that I no longer taste food, I consume it. Somehow I want to redeem this relationship and once again be able to enjoy food. Eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. Eat without guilt. Love my body. But this time I'm not making any dramatic plans. I am just working on being honest and admitting that there really is a problem. After all, the first step (of the famous 12) is to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable. That admission is written all over this entry.

I am also not going to outgrow my attraction (addiction) to men that reject me. This also has a long and colorful history. After my first rejection in high school, I spent years trying to put myself in his path in the hallway (looking my best) to try to gain the approval of a guy that dumped me. Didn't work. His brief glances and sporadic instant messages were enough to keep me hooked though. And that is pretty much what I've been doing in some form ever since. I have also tried a variety of methods for changing this. Thirty day "He-toxes" where I am not allowed to contact a certain guy, reading a variety of books from empowered women, dating guys that I'm not attracted to simply because they are nice and because I am NOT attracted to them, and much more. Has this worked? Well, after reviewing a few pathetic text messages sent last night to the most recent rejector, I'm going to say- no. So, here I am admitting it. I am powerless over my addiction to toxic men and my life has become unmanageable.

There are more examples and more addictions, but this is a just humble beginning to a long journey of recovery for me. I guess I hope that someone out there will find my honesty here refreshing and feel a little less ashamed and a little less disgusting. There is something that is incredibly painfully freeing to put those things which you feel are unspeakable and incredibly shameful into the light. They lose some of the power that they have over you. There IS a problem. Admit it and admit that you are powerless over it. Go ahead.