Allaholic?

We're all ___aholics.

Addiction has been defined as “a state of being dependent on a certain substance, which is harmful or dangerous for the physical or mental health of the person, for his social well-being and economical functioning of the subject”. When you type the word ‘addiction’ into popular search engines, you find links for various substance dependence sites. When I sift through these sites, I find little information that is helpful to me; yet, almost daily I find myself making decisions that are bad for me- decisions that are harmful for my physical or mental health for my social well-being and economical functioning. I am not taking hits of crack or lighting any pipes. My drugs are not nearly so obvious to pinpoint. They do not come in powder nor plant form. My drugs are daily decisions that I make. Decisions to which I keep running back. I know they are bad for me, but they are so beautiful in the moment, and I am irresistibly compelled toward these decisions. Since no one is over my shoulder telling me that what I have is an addiction that is may be akin to a drug addiction, and that the cycles in which I find myself are not much different than the cycles of many other addicts, I find myself going around the same mountain over and over again.

Let me give you an example. When I was 21, I was dating this guy named Alan. When Alan introduced himself, he said, “I work with computers”. I think, “Oh, a computer programmer! That’s a good job!” Turns out, Alan was a receptionist who happened to work in front of a computer. I should have gone running in the other direction from this obvious lying loser, but, unfortunately I did not. The first night we hung out was a blast. He was buying my friends and I rounds of drinks, we were hitting the dance floor hard, and he was telling me how excited he was to meet such an obviously smart and beautiful girl. He got my digits. “I’ll call you tomorrow” he promised at the end of the night. I did not hear from him the next day. I felt a little sad, but I accepted the rejection with dignity. This time. You see, I was not yet hooked. Alan eventually called with some excuse about how his dad had stopped by, and he had gotten in a fight with him and just could not talk afterward, but he added that he hoped I would please give him another chance. I did. This interchange pretty much made up our whole relationship. Sometimes the excuses were better than others. One time he actually told me he could not hang out with me because he had to help his friend clean a deer. But we went round and round this cycle for over a year. When we had a good time, it was so good. So fun. He was so attentive to me, so nice to my friends, so good at conversation and affection. But I could not have him. It would not last. And he kept me coming back and back for more. Each time I came back I had less dignity. I sacrificed more of myself. I planned my life around trying to “run” into him. I thought about him all the time. Drama from the relationship made my work suffer. Looking back there was so little real substance to our “relationship”. I was an addict seeking the next high. The next escape from my life. My reality. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I need to make sure you understand something right away. I am not an expert on addiction, and this blog is not intended to cover addiction research or literature. It will be a personal exploration of my addicitions which is intended to make you smile at points, to make you think at points, and to propose a view on life decisions that may help shape yours. As a natural observer and introspector, I have observed my repeated bad decisions (and those of my friends) and wondered why we continue to make the decisions that we do. I hope that you benefit from this blog as I know that these thoughts have greatly improved my decision making, and allowed me to be a good friend to others to help them make better decisions. I hope to be a friend to you as well. Because everyone needs a friend sometime to smack some sense in to them about their addictive habits.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Daily Prayer

So, as I'm reading through addiction literature it seems like many sources seems to recommend acknowledging some sort of higher power. My past relations with and belief in a higher power are complicated to say the least (which will be the subject of future blogs) but I am taking a leap of faith and developed this prayer to say to myself each morning...

I will not start this prayer addressed to anyone/thing. I will use my words as best as I can acknowledge that I do not know who you are. I will not try to name or describe you. But I want to know you.

Today, please help me to believe that you are there and that you will find me and/or that I will find you. Please do not let doubt, fear, anxiety, or any other force remove my faith that there is truth to be found.

Today, please help me to look for you in the world and to look for you in myself. Please remove anything that will blind me to knowing more of your character and growing closer to you.

Today, please help me to give love and grace to myself and to those in the world around me. Please fill me with your life and love and help me spill onto those around me, so that I can bring peace and redemption to the world.

Today, please help me to live in love and peace. Help me to avoid using men, food, alcohol, people, or any other addiction to escape the realities of the world. Please help me find the wisdom which will help me bear each day with grace believing that I becoming wiser. Help me to bear the hard times realizing, “This too shall pass”. Help me not to cling to the good times realizing, “This too shall pass”.

Thank you for giving me the faith to write this prayer. Thank you for meeting me and moving me and giving me peace in this moment. As I depart for my day, come with me please.

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