If the last entry was the first in my series, "Sh** your mother said... and definitely shouldn't have." then this is my first entry in the series, "Sh** your mother should have said instead."
It wasn't curiosity that killed the cat. It was Reaction. Unchecked impulses. Freely practiced whims.
Let's think about the things that actually kill cats. He wanted to know what was on the other side of that (3rd story) window. She wanted to know what was in that (predator filled) tree. To be curious about those things does not necessarily lead to jumping out the window or climbing the tree- these are knowledge-less/thoughtless reactions to desires. To be curious about something is not to jump headlong into it. Being curious simply involves asking questions, observing, watching how others interact with that something and noticing what happens. Reacting recklessly to your curiosity is what gets you in trouble.
I am boiling pot of reactions. Nothing makes this clearer than the practice of yoga. When sitting in the quiet, I am forced to hear my thoughts. It's like having the TV on, the radio blasting, watching a live band, engaging in conversation, and trying to fall asleep at the same time. Instead of just watching this carousel of thoughts go through my head and "letting each one go" as the instructor says, I panic. I want to run. Then I add more thoughts to the mix, "Oh my god, I can't stay here. I have to leave. I can't make it." Finally, the movements of the poses brings some relief. When I'm moving and thinking about that, I can't hear myself so loudly. It's a welcome relief. Then I get into a warrior pose or some deep stretch, and I experience pain. I notice more reactions. "Ouch!!! (screamed in my head) " is my reaction... to a very small amount of discomfort. Truthfully, I could breathe, remain calm, and simply observe the discomfort. But that is so hard for me to do. I want to run away. My reactions to small amounts of discomfort are both emotional (panic) and behavioral (quit, back off, make yourself comfortable again). Even though I'm skilled at managing the behavioral reaction (I've been involved in many vigorous exercise regimens - some have genuinely benefited by body and others I continued despite my body), I need a lot of practice observing (meaning I'm horrible at it) the internal sensations without such intense emotional reactions. It is possible to just sit and watch my carousel of thoughts and dismiss them each time (no matter how many times they jump back on the carousel for the next rotation), and I can just sit and breath calmly and peacefully when I'm in physical discomfort. My reactions to these stimuli are making me far more miserable than the stimuli themselves. A little bit of leg shaking during warrior two can easily turn into a physical and mental war zone (Mental- Oh my god, this hurts, I can't do it, when it will be over, this sucks, I'll never make it, I'm in horrible shape, how is that girl over there doing this; Physical- tighten my shoulders, grit my teeth, clench my neck muscles). Suddenly, a slight physical sensation (which I have interpreted as pain) has become a person wide (inside and out) problem. I don't think it has to be this way. But it may have to get worse before it gets better.
Maybe addictions are the reactions to the reactions. Let's use the tEXtravaganza (all day long texting session with my ex- feel free to make that term go viral- we all have more tEXtravangazas than we'd care to admit) example from a few posts ago. I told the ex to stop texting me (the texting was something I really enjoyed but knew wasn't good for either one of us). After he quit, I was left with a space (which felt like a void) that he had just occupied in my life. There were feelings of loneliness and sadness accompanying that loss. My thoughts reacted to my feelings in many different (defensive) ways- "You can't handle this, you can't feel this." My reaction to this reaction was initially to want to grab a drink or order and consume an entire pizza (addictions). First, I had to deal with that level of the problem. Ok, I'm not going to get a drink or a pizza. I 'm not hungry and drinking isn't going to help. Then I was free to see the thoughts that were having me- I want to drink because I feel like I can't handle these feelings. Then I proceeded to prove to those feelings that they were wrong, "Laura, you might not feel like you can handle this, but you're not drinking nor consuming an entire pizza so you're just going to have to sit here and watch (and feel) whatever range of whatever that comes up- but you're not running." Only after all that- could I cry. It really was just as simple as feeling what there was to feel. I guess I'd like to think that eventually I'll see that there is no feeling, no thought, no sensation that I cannot bear, so I can quit reacting in such extremes. Then I can, with more peace and a clearer more present mind, actually live my life.
I'm very much at the beginning of all of this. My addictions are calling me every day. Beckoning me to run away from the chaos inside. But I'm trying to show myself that, as unpleasant and crazy as all of this may feel, it's not going to kill me. Because as long as I run to alcohol or a binge or a purge or a TV episode or Facebook or _____ to numb out my feelings, I'm not actually living. I'm not actually able to love anyone because I need them to help me keep up my avoidance of me. I'm not going to be able to enjoy or taste food because staying present enough to taste it means staying present enough to hear me. Spending a whole life running from myself is no way to live. So, I can keep running from myself and keep living a life of disordered eating and disordered relationships and disordered thinking... or I can stick around and find something hopefully much better for myself.
So I'm observing my addictions, my thoughts, my feelings as much as possible with curiosity. I'm not lunging headlong into every whim I have (like a cat jumping out of the window of the third story just because he wants to know what's on the other side). This is what has gotten me into trouble and created all these maladaptive habits- the thoughtless reaction. I'm just dabbling, watching, and doing little experiments. This is curiosity.
As Caroline Knapp says in the book Appetites, "Direct the focus inward (or, if you choose, heavenward); still the self; learn to grasp the true source of hunger rather than merely reacting to it. And, in the process, learn to fill some of the emptiness with more nourishing things: connection, beauty, God, whatever fills you, however you define that".
Or, similarly, from the Tao Teh Ching
Attain to utmost Emptiness.
Cling single- heartedly to interior peace.
While all things are stirring together,
I only contemplate the Return.
For flourishing as they do,
Each of them will return to its root.
To return to the root is to find peace.
To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny.
To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant.
To know the Constant is called Insight.
If one does not know the Constant,
One runs blindly into disasters.
If one knows the Constant,
One can understand and embrace all.
If one understands and embraces all,
One is capable of doing justice.
Lao Tzu
Reaction to curiosity killed the cat. Maybe we can find the space between curiosity (and our other thoughts and feelings) and the reactions to them. That is the space, I think, where we can grow and change.
One person's journey to living in the present moment (I realize that perhaps you can't journey to live in the present moment and perhaps making any goal is self-defeating in the world of zen, but I still have to try, no?)
Allaholic?
We're all ___aholics.
Addiction has been defined as “a state of being dependent on a certain substance, which is harmful or dangerous for the physical or mental health of the person, for his social well-being and economical functioning of the subject”. When you type the word ‘addiction’ into popular search engines, you find links for various substance dependence sites. When I sift through these sites, I find little information that is helpful to me; yet, almost daily I find myself making decisions that are bad for me- decisions that are harmful for my physical or mental health for my social well-being and economical functioning. I am not taking hits of crack or lighting any pipes. My drugs are not nearly so obvious to pinpoint. They do not come in powder nor plant form. My drugs are daily decisions that I make. Decisions to which I keep running back. I know they are bad for me, but they are so beautiful in the moment, and I am irresistibly compelled toward these decisions. Since no one is over my shoulder telling me that what I have is an addiction that is may be akin to a drug addiction, and that the cycles in which I find myself are not much different than the cycles of many other addicts, I find myself going around the same mountain over and over again.
Addiction has been defined as “a state of being dependent on a certain substance, which is harmful or dangerous for the physical or mental health of the person, for his social well-being and economical functioning of the subject”. When you type the word ‘addiction’ into popular search engines, you find links for various substance dependence sites. When I sift through these sites, I find little information that is helpful to me; yet, almost daily I find myself making decisions that are bad for me- decisions that are harmful for my physical or mental health for my social well-being and economical functioning. I am not taking hits of crack or lighting any pipes. My drugs are not nearly so obvious to pinpoint. They do not come in powder nor plant form. My drugs are daily decisions that I make. Decisions to which I keep running back. I know they are bad for me, but they are so beautiful in the moment, and I am irresistibly compelled toward these decisions. Since no one is over my shoulder telling me that what I have is an addiction that is may be akin to a drug addiction, and that the cycles in which I find myself are not much different than the cycles of many other addicts, I find myself going around the same mountain over and over again.
Let me give you an example. When I was 21, I was dating this guy named Alan. When Alan introduced himself, he said, “I work with computers”. I think, “Oh, a computer programmer! That’s a good job!” Turns out, Alan was a receptionist who happened to work in front of a computer. I should have gone running in the other direction from this obvious lying loser, but, unfortunately I did not. The first night we hung out was a blast. He was buying my friends and I rounds of drinks, we were hitting the dance floor hard, and he was telling me how excited he was to meet such an obviously smart and beautiful girl. He got my digits. “I’ll call you tomorrow” he promised at the end of the night. I did not hear from him the next day. I felt a little sad, but I accepted the rejection with dignity. This time. You see, I was not yet hooked. Alan eventually called with some excuse about how his dad had stopped by, and he had gotten in a fight with him and just could not talk afterward, but he added that he hoped I would please give him another chance. I did. This interchange pretty much made up our whole relationship. Sometimes the excuses were better than others. One time he actually told me he could not hang out with me because he had to help his friend clean a deer. But we went round and round this cycle for over a year. When we had a good time, it was so good. So fun. He was so attentive to me, so nice to my friends, so good at conversation and affection. But I could not have him. It would not last. And he kept me coming back and back for more. Each time I came back I had less dignity. I sacrificed more of myself. I planned my life around trying to “run” into him. I thought about him all the time. Drama from the relationship made my work suffer. Looking back there was so little real substance to our “relationship”. I was an addict seeking the next high. The next escape from my life. My reality. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I need to make sure you understand something right away. I am not an expert on addiction, and this blog is not intended to cover addiction research or literature. It will be a personal exploration of my addicitions which is intended to make you smile at points, to make you think at points, and to propose a view on life decisions that may help shape yours. As a natural observer and introspector, I have observed my repeated bad decisions (and those of my friends) and wondered why we continue to make the decisions that we do. I hope that you benefit from this blog as I know that these thoughts have greatly improved my decision making, and allowed me to be a good friend to others to help them make better decisions. I hope to be a friend to you as well. Because everyone needs a friend sometime to smack some sense in to them about their addictive habits.
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